Communication & Boundaries

Knowing that you need a boundary and actually establishing one can be very different things.

You may worry that saying no is selfish.

You might feel responsible for keeping other people happy or preventing conflict.

Perhaps you learned early in life that your own needs should come second, or you became accustomed to being the reliable person who handles everything.

Sometimes boundaries only become noticeable when they have already been crossed and you find yourself feeling resentful, exhausted or angry.

Difficulty with boundaries can also work in the other direction. We may sometimes expect other people to meet needs or take responsibility for things that actually belong to us.

Healthy boundaries involve recognising both.

You might notice:

• Avoiding difficult conversations
• Saying yes when you want to say no
• Feeling guilty when you prioritise your own needs
• Frequently feeling responsible for other people’s emotions
• Becoming resentful after agreeing to things
• Expecting people to know what you need without telling them
• Struggling to ask for help
• Becoming defensive during conversations
• Shutting down or withdrawing when conflict occurs
• Raising issues only after frustration has built
• Over-explaining or repeatedly justifying your decisions
• Allowing behaviour you’re uncomfortable with because you want to avoid conflict
• Finding it difficult to hear criticism or feedback
• Feeling that other people take advantage of you
• Trying to solve other people’s problems
• Struggling to respect another person’s boundaries
• Feeling exhausted by the demands other people place on you

These patterns do not necessarily mean you are bad at relationships. They may reflect ways of communicating or relating that developed for understandable reasons but are no longer working particularly well.

Therapy can provide space to understand how you communicate, what happens when conflict or discomfort arises and why certain boundaries may be difficult to establish or maintain.

Together, we can explore the patterns involved rather than simply giving you a list of communication techniques.

Therapy may help you to:

• Recognise your communication patterns
• Better identify what you think, feel and need
• Communicate needs more clearly
• Develop and maintain healthier boundaries
• Become more comfortable saying no
• Understand guilt associated with setting boundaries
• Recognise what you are and aren’t responsible for
• Listen without immediately becoming defensive
• Respond to conflict more deliberately
• Challenge assumptions about other people’s intentions
• Communicate difficult things more respectfully
• Understand patterns of withdrawal, avoidance or escalation
• Respect other people’s boundaries as well as your own

The aim is not to communicate perfectly.

It is to develop greater awareness and more choice in how you communicate and participate in your relationships.

Communication and boundaries can improve through relatively small changes.

• Pause before automatically saying yes. Give yourself time to consider whether you actually want or are able to agree.
• Say what you need clearly. Try not to rely on other people knowing what you’re thinking.
• Use straightforward language. A boundary does not always require a long explanation.
• Notice resentment. It can sometimes be a sign that you agreed to something you did not really want to do.
• Listen to understand. Try to hear the other person’s point before preparing your response.
• Check assumptions. Ask rather than automatically deciding what another person meant.
• Notice what belongs to you. You can care about another person’s feelings without being responsible for managing all of them.
• Respect a no. Healthy boundaries work in both directions.

Communication and boundaries affect relationships with partners, family, friends, colleagues and ourselves.

I offer practical, person-centred counselling and psychotherapy that can help you understand your communication patterns, recognise what you need and develop clearer, healthier ways of relating to other people.

If you think talking to someone could help, you can learn more about my approach or get in touch to arrange a session.