Self-Esteem & Confidence

Many experiences can shape how we see ourselves, including:

• Criticism during childhood or adolescence
• Bullying or exclusion
• Abuse or neglect
• Difficult family relationships
• Relationship breakdown
• Rejection
• Failure or setbacks
• Comparing yourself with other people
• Social media
• Work difficulties or redundancy
• Academic experiences
• Body image concerns
• Chronic health problems
• Anxiety or depression
• Perfectionism
• Unrealistic expectations of yourself
• Feeling that you don’t belong
• Depending heavily on achievement or approval for your sense of worth

Sometimes self-esteem has been affected by experiences that happened many years ago but continue to influence how you interpret yourself today.

You might notice:

• Frequently criticising yourself
• Focusing on weaknesses while overlooking strengths
• Comparing yourself negatively with others
• Finding compliments difficult to accept
• Feeling that you’re not good enough
• Avoiding challenges because you might fail
• Being afraid of looking foolish
• Seeking reassurance or approval
• Finding decisions difficult
• Struggling to set boundaries
• Putting other people’s needs ahead of your own
• Feeling uncomfortable expressing your opinions
• Taking criticism particularly hard
• Assuming other people are judging you
• Feeling that your achievements don’t really count
• Being highly perfectionistic
• Feeling confident externally but insecure internally

Low self-esteem can also occur alongside anxiety, depression and other mental health difficulties, but it is not itself proof that you have a mental health condition.

Therapy can provide space to understand how you came to see yourself in the way you do.

The goal is not to convince you that you’re wonderful at everything or replace every negative thought with a positive one.

It can be about developing a more balanced, realistic and less judgemental relationship with yourself.

Therapy may help you to:

• Recognise patterns of self-criticism
• Understand where some beliefs about yourself developed
• Question assumptions you treat as facts
• Recognise strengths without dismissing difficulties
• Explore fear of judgement or failure
• Reduce unhelpful comparison with other people
• Develop clearer boundaries
• Understand your need for approval or reassurance
• Become more comfortable expressing your needs and opinions
• Develop confidence through realistic action
• Respond differently to mistakes and setbacks
• Build a sense of worth that is not entirely dependent on achievement or other people’s approval

Confidence does not require believing you will always succeed.

Sometimes it is knowing that you can tolerate uncertainty, mistakes or setbacks and continue moving forward.

Changing how you relate to yourself usually happens gradually.

• Notice your self-talk. Pay attention to how you speak to yourself when something goes wrong.
• Check the evidence. Ask whether the judgement you’re making about yourself is a fact or an interpretation.
• Stop moving the goalposts. Notice whether you immediately dismiss an achievement once you reach it.
• Reduce comparison. Other people’s visible lives rarely tell you everything about their experiences.
• Do something slightly uncomfortable. Confidence often develops through experience rather than waiting until fear disappears.
• Accept a compliment. Try simply saying thank you rather than explaining why the compliment isn’t deserved.
• Notice your strengths. Recognising something you do well is not arrogance.
• Treat mistakes as information. A mistake can tell you what needs attention without defining who you are.

How you see and relate to yourself can affect relationships, decisions, work, boundaries and the opportunities you’re willing to pursue.

I offer practical, person-centred and psychotherapy that can help you understand patterns of self-criticism, develop a more balanced relationship with yourself and build confidence in areas that matter to you.

If you think talking to someone could help, you can learn more about my approach or get in touch to arrange a session.