Why Men Can Find It Difficult to Ask for Help

We often hear that men need to talk more about their mental health. While there is truth in that message, simply telling men to talk does not necessarily make talking easier.

For some men, asking for help can feel unfamiliar, uncomfortable or inconsistent with how they have learned to deal with problems. Others may recognise that something is not right but have difficulty putting what they are experiencing into words. Some may keep functioning at work, meeting responsibilities and getting on with life while privately struggling.

Understanding these barriers matters if we genuinely want more men to engage with mental health support.

Why might men avoid seeking help?

There is no single reason.

Australian research from the Ten to Men longitudinal study has identified a significant gap between men experiencing mental health difficulties and accessing professional support. Research has also found associations between some traditional masculine norms and lower use of mental health care.

For some men, ideas about independence, strength, self-reliance and dealing with problems themselves may influence how comfortable they feel asking someone else for help.

But we also need to be careful about stereotypes.

Not every man struggles to talk about emotions. Not every man avoids therapy. And masculinity itself should not simply be treated as a problem.

Men are individuals. Their experiences are influenced by their relationships, upbringing, culture, work, age, previous experiences with support and many other factors.

There can also be very practical barriers. Time, work commitments, cost, uncertainty about where to go and not knowing what therapy will actually involve can all influence whether someone seeks help.

The roles we carry

Many men spend a significant part of their lives focused on roles and responsibilities.

Partner. Father. Son. Brother. Friend. Provider. Employee. Manager. Business owner. Leader. Carer. Coach. Teammate.

These roles can be incredibly meaningful. They can provide purpose, connection, identity and a sense of responsibility towards the people who matter to us.

They can also require a lot of energy.

There may be people depending on you. A family to support. Children to raise. A relationship to maintain. Parents who are getting older. Employees or colleagues who look to you for answers. Financial responsibilities. Deadlines. A mortgage. A business. A team. Problems that need solving.

Much of our attention can become directed outward.

What needs to be done?

Who needs something from me?

What problem needs fixing?

What responsibility do I need to take care of next?

There is nothing inherently wrong with this. Responsibility can be an important part of who we are. The difficulty can arise when we become so occupied with our roles that we gradually lose sight of the person performing them.

When doing takes over

Life can become heavily focused on doing.

Getting up. Going to work. Solving problems. Meeting expectations. Providing. Organising. Helping other people. Coming home. Taking care of whatever needs doing there. Then getting up and doing it again.

We can become very good at functioning.

But functioning and wellbeing are not necessarily the same thing.

When most of our attention is focused outward, there may be very little time or space left to notice what is happening internally.

How am I actually going?

What am I feeling?

What is taking energy from me?

What do I need?

What am I avoiding?

What matters to me now?

Am I connected with the people around me?

Am I connected with myself?

Sometimes we can become so identified with our roles that it becomes difficult to separate who I am from what I do.

Connection and disconnection

Connection is an important part of mental health and wellbeing, but connection is not only about having people around us.

A person can have a partner, family, friends, colleagues and a busy working life and still experience a sense of disconnection.

Sometimes that disconnection is from other people. Sometimes it is from ourselves.

When we spend long periods focused on responsibilities, performance and meeting the needs of others, we may gradually stop paying attention to our own internal experience.

We might notice ourselves becoming more irritable, withdrawn or exhausted. Relationships may become more distant. Things we once enjoyed may feel less important. We may rely more heavily on work, alcohol, distraction, screens or simply staying busy.

Sometimes staying busy means we do not have to stop long enough to notice how we are actually going.

That disconnection can affect our relationships, our physical health and our mental health and wellbeing.

Taking a step back from the doing

Taking time for ourselves can sometimes feel uncomfortable.

There is always something else that could be done.

For someone accustomed to responsibility and productivity, slowing down may even feel selfish, indulgent or unproductive.

But creating time and space to step back from the constant doing may be more important than we allow ourselves to recognise.

That does not necessarily mean taking a holiday, abandoning responsibilities or making dramatic changes.

Sometimes it means creating enough space to notice.

To reflect.

To reconnect.

To consider how we are travelling, rather than simply how much we are getting done.

This is not about becoming less responsible. It can be about developing a healthier relationship with ourselves so that we can continue to participate in the roles and relationships that matter to us without completely losing ourselves within them.

Mental health does not always look the way we expect

Mental health difficulties do not always present as someone openly saying, “I’m struggling.”

They may appear as withdrawing from other people, becoming increasingly irritable, drinking more, losing motivation, throwing yourself into work, struggling in relationships, feeling constantly stressed or simply feeling disconnected from yourself and the people around you.

Sometimes a person knows something is wrong but cannot clearly identify what it is.

That is one reason mental health awareness matters. We cannot respond to something we have not yet recognised.

Asking for help does not have to begin with a crisis

We tend to understand this better with physical health.

Most of us accept that physical health requires some level of maintenance. We pay attention to changes, recognise warning signs and, ideally, seek professional advice before a problem becomes much worse.

Mental health can be approached in a similar way.

You do not need to wait until everything falls apart before speaking with someone.

Therapy, including counselling and psychotherapy, can also be about understanding yourself better, recognising patterns, improving relationships, managing stress, exploring values, making decisions or considering whether the direction you are travelling still fits the person you want to be.

Mental health requires maintenance, not just intervention.

The way we engage men matters

Research examining men’s engagement with psychological treatment suggests that the way support is offered may matter.

Approaches that are collaborative, transparent, practical and responsive to the individual may help some men engage more comfortably with psychological support.

For me, this means therapy should not feel like someone sitting across from you analysing you or telling you how you should live your life.

It is a conversation.

My role is to listen, understand what is happening from your perspective, ask questions, sometimes challenge you, and help you develop greater awareness of your thoughts, emotions, behaviours, relationships and choices.

Greater awareness can create greater choice.

Sometimes the first step is simply a conversation

Seeking help does not mean you need to know exactly what is wrong or what you want to change.

Sometimes the starting point is simply recognising that something does not feel right.

You might be struggling with anxiety, depression, loneliness, anger, relationships, addiction, grief, work pressure, motivation, meaning or direction. Or you may simply want to understand yourself better.

You do not need to have the entire journey worked out.

Sometimes it is enough to create some space, consider where you are and decide what the next step might be.